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may my heart always be open to little; birds who are the secrets of living; whatever they sing is better than to know; and if men should not hear them men are old

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i miss [
September 11th, 2009 @ 1:14am
]
having your shoulder to cry on
you having my back and me having yours
your jokes, terrible humor you have
your comforting words, those were far from terrible
you were probably my only true friend
at least i think you were
maybe i still have you
maybe not.
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after two years [
August 15th, 2009 @ 8:40am
]
i still love you.
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emo rambles [
March 31st, 2009 @ 11:08am
]
[ mood | depressed ]

I'm lost. 

I'm unhappy. 

I'm a lazy prig. 

And I'm flunking out of uni. 


I'm a loser in Spanish, probably the worst in my class. 
Ditto for Euro. 
Ditto for Pols. 
And wayyy ditto for Phil, especially seeing as how I missed lecture this morning. 

I live on campus, yet I still can't make it for class. :( 

And it's not like I did anything important last night or this morning either. 

ARGHHHHHHH. 
5 /

Still mad as hell [
November 2nd, 2008 @ 11:55pm
]
This is so two years ago but..

"I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell and can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should"

Words ring true till today. Different circumstances, same emotions. Same anger. Guilt. Frustration. Longing. And Triumph.

I'm giving myself three months to tie up all my loose ends here..not with anybody else but myself. I've realised I no longer care what other people think - well, not as much as I used to anyway. It's what I think about myself that bugs me sometimes. What do I really want? And how exactly do I want it to be?

I need to set everything on my terms now, and stick through it and not waver. I won't be duped, and I won't be soft - and I will not sell out on myself.

Word. (I couldn't resist.)
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rafting? not quite, but close - against and with the rapids that fuel my thoughts. [
June 1st, 2008 @ 11:57pm
]
[ mood | listless ]

Another week of work looms ahead. Do I enjoy working? Meh. Do I hate work? Nope. Just going through the motion day after day, pining away for Toronto, but putting a lid on the ache everytime.
Was it worth giving it up? I guess I won't know. But it's a choice that I made, and I'll stick it through.
So with a big smile on my face, I'll join the zillion of Singaporeans + Asians over in Aust next Jan.
Yeah, heartpain. Aust, of all places.
Ah well.

I still wanna work in Aust after I graduate, but then move on to Canada, then Bombay, then finally the States. Perhaps throw in a bit of Europe as well. Been dying for some Naples magherite ever since EatPrayLove.

I owe some people apologies. Seeing as how I'd never dare to say it to their faces, here goes. Hope you guys read it. If you don't, i know it's me as I would never have the courage to say it to your face.

So mainly, out to Eunice & Sueanne, I'm sorry for failing to contribute to 48fp. Eunice you might have grown accustomed to how many times ive promised and backed out in the end. I lose count of how many self-motivational talks have failed each time I tell myself i'd see a project through. Well, again, I'm sorry.

I lost a friend last weekend. I'm sorry, but not for myself, but for her. Sometimes, it's best to move on, if what holds us back aches too much, and doesn't do any good. Plus the surest test of any friendship is a fight, and the apology after. But if a person walks away, refuses to reply messages, and never calls, I'd say that pretty much fails the test.
You've been great company, but somehow, we've never transcended into heart-to-hearts. Probably cos you never want to listen. And I never want to talk. About things that matter, that is.
And because I never could bring myself to trust. Although you never gave me reason to.
I don't hate you. But yes, I'm truly disappointed that after everything, this is all there is to it.
Better late than never, I remind myself.

Funny I've purged everything that's consumed me for the past 3 years out in the last 7 months.
I'm emptier, lonelier, but ironically, happier and wiser. Does that make sense? I fear though, I'm even more impossible to break now than before. While burning some bridges are good for the soul, if new ones are never built, I fear I'd be stuck. Always looking over to what could be, what might have been. But never crossing.

I feel myself more capable than ever to love. But to reach that depth, is an obstacle that would take years to break, I've been warned, and I understand. I'm tired of being stubborn, of doing things "my way" when my heart tells me it's not right. I don't want to be impetuous anymore. I don't want to be bitter anymore, and I've come a long way in that aspect. Well, for some areas at least. So it's time to start building my bridge, slowly, laying it plank by plank. If a plank falls, or renders my bridge unsteady, I have to learn to say goodbye.

I have to learn the benefits of balance. Not being too close, yet not being too far. Just close enough - the planks, I refer to - for me to surely step forward, but be certain at the same time, that yes, I am moving forward.

& maybe someday, the grief of my soul will be something I cherish, like a proud soldier exhibits his battlescars. for now, i trudge on. telling myself, things will work out. telling myself, the loss of limbs do not signal loss of life. the loss of love and friendship, do not signal loss of anything greater than what it is.

nothing is too big for me to handle. yet i have a feeling, i've not experienced worst yet. but far better, i'm in wanting of good experiences in my hoard of memories. knowing that happiness has far more catching up to do calms me, slightly.

i don't know what to study in university. i don't want to be hippie and take something i love, but is useless. but i don't want to fall into pragmatic&unhappy zone as well, what i've been prone to for most of my cmm life.

i feel proud, though i know there's so much more to go. i get tired along the way, (which is why i've stopped capitalizing), but the letters and ideas still flow.

the passion never wavers, and ultimately, i know. i want to change people. i want to change lives. i want to declare openly that i'm a shameless voyeur of other people's seemingly more illustrious and elusive lives. though i know the general direction i want to end up in, the steps to take in reaching my destination confuses me.

i want to be open-minded, yet i can't spare the effort. but i know i don't want to rush into anything, hence the 8month break, an excuse to buy me time. i don't want to make another mistake like cmm was, not that i've not learnt from it, not that i've not had some of my best lessons there.

just that, i wasn't happy. and i can be, i know, if i try hard enough, if i follow my heart, and my passions. if i listen to no one but my intuition, and my closest loves - ah heck, i'll throw in a bit of oprah and the secret here and there.

going back to my new year resolution, paraphrased: anything is possible at any time.

i have to let go, and believe.

& maybe, disney might want to hire me to write for them because i'm oh so corny and cheesy and i'm still a lost tween with a slight bitch streak. yeah, slight. i'm a nice girl, maybe if i'd get to know you, you'd see.

P.S. Salman Khan, I'd love to meet you someday and give you a tight hug for all those times u made my day so much better. My candy - lollipop boy/man - you are. You're born to entertain, born to be a joker, sometimes, achingly, born to be made a joke of. But you stand strong, and dance with a towel in between your knees and proudly proclaim "jawani phir na aayee". Yes for all of this, you are my escapism, and my favourite pseudo-caretaker (of hearts & minds). MWAH <3<3<3

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